Love, Marriage and the meaning of 'I love you' in Igbo tradition of old

*The ABC of Igbo Romance

By Christopher Aniedobe

Recently, I received news that still makes me sad till this day. An Igbo couple I know and respect parted ways. One day, the man came home from work and there was no wife and no kids. Just like that. Gone. Moved out with the kids. Marriage over. After 18 years. Chineke!

Infidelity was not the issue. Basic nice man and woman they still are. Just irreconcilable differences. Could this be you? Not your portion, I say.

Many Igbo marriages are hitting the rocks and that is because romance like everything else must be rooted in its originating culture. Igbo marriages have gone Hollywood and are hitting the rocks like your typical Hollywood marriage.

Imagine a bouquet of flowers to an Igbo girl. Plain insult. Prefers cold cash or hot cash or money to send to her family. Not nonsense bouquet. Otua ka odi [that's the way it is]. All romance is local, my good friend.

Years ago someone wrote a best seller. Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus.

But your grandfather already knew that and practiced that and had a very successful marriage and you are a living testimony to how well he navigated the white water rapids that is men-women relationships. He gave you all the tools: structural and emotional. He even gave you the aphorisms to boot. The only thing worthy, he says, to hold in the mouth is the tongue. He was talking sex there and a whole lot of sense.

Realizing that men were from Mars and women were from Venus, your grandfather made outhouses called nkpuke for his wives. He warned you of the dangers of sleeping on the same bed with your wife 360 days a year.

Not only do you insist on living in the same Obi with your wife, you share the same bed too. Well, you see, your grandfather's nkpuke had many uses including sequestering your temper-prone grandmother. Umu Nwoke adi acho nkpali [a local saying that 'men don't like insult'] even if the lady was temporarily insane at that time.

Your grandfather knew that a man who could predict a woman’s behavior from moment to moment had not been made. He knew that your grandmother needed space to sort things out. But it was more than that. Nkpuke allowed your grandfather to renew his romance on a periodic basis. Nothing recharges a romance like temporary absence of lovers. True that. Nothing kills a marriage like a no-space marriage.

You see, Igbo marriages are hitting the rocks because most people are going Hollywood style also known as no-space marriage. With all the pressures of life in modern times, marriage has become like locking up two stressed out people under one roof for life with no space.

Every woman, you see, needs a little space to do women stuff.

So did your grandfather. His little castle, his Obi, was his and everyone else, including your grandmother was an invited guest. Many will crack under that psychological pressure of no space marriage and they do crack.

Your grandfather knew that no-space marriage was a bad idea because women and men are from different planets. Why tempt nature.

Imagine learning the secrets of romance and relationships from Hollywood of all places. But that is how messed up the Igbo family has become.

Women now want flowers but you need to hear them cursing you in their heart if you think that a kiss and a flower will take care of it all. Mbanu!

Your grandfather knew that a good sized tuber of yam and a grown cock or hen always brought smiles to your grandmothers heart. Guaranteed.

If you go flowers on an Igbo wife and forget some of the real tangible stuff, you will be disappointing grandpa and there might be serious consequences.

When you finish doing like Oyibo, do like Igbo man or face the consequences. Here is the simple logic. If you do traditional wedding and Western wedding, why did you dump traditional romance in favor of Hollywood romance?

The tragedy for most of our men is that they went Hollywood on their marriages and forgot all
the basic stuff. If you learn your disco, no forget your ajasco. Our women now want it all since they began to get their own pay checks. If you don't deliver both ajasco and disco, bad things could happen. Otua ka odizi [that's how it is now].

Not only does your relationship with Madam have to be organic, you have to watch the language.

Ever wondered how your grandfather expressed his love to your grandmother? No, not "I love you." There is no such thing as love in Igbo language. 'Afulu ngi na anya' is how Igbos say I love you. But wait a minute.

What is grandfather trying to really say here literally and figuratively, "I see you with my eyes" is the literal meaning of I love you. Chineke! How is that the equivalent of I love you? Makes zero sense. Not even Afulu ngi (I see you); to also add I see you with my eyes - like he was going to see you with someone else's eyes.

Imagine grandfather holding grandmother and saying I see you with my eyes in Igbo. Really awkward way to express love. Wouldn't grandmother think that grandfather has gone nuts? That is the point. Watch
the language.

Say what the misses can understand and appreciate. Many of you say "I love you," forgetting that it makes no sense in Igbo. As well as 'I see you I'm my eyes' makes no sense whether said in Igbo or in English. Just bring the love already. That is how grandmother appreciated his man - action, not words.

Many go Hollywood and they try to sweet talk through their marital difficulties. Action O! not words is what grandfather would say.

But have you ever sat down to wonder how the Igbos came up with 'I see you with my eyes' as the Igbo
equivalent of 'I love you'?

Your naughty grandfather is to blame.

You see, when an Igbo man's lecherous urge is aroused, look at his eyes. He is leering and ogling and trying to hold conversation like his heart is in the conversation.

Watch his eyes as he slowly turns them to assess the aspects of the woman of his fancy. Yap, that lascivious gaze gives his heart away all the time.

You see, the Igbos say, "I see you with my eyes" to mean "I love you" because they know that the eyes are the windows of the heart.

So you see, when grandfather looks at grandmother with lascivious intent, grandmother understands that
grandfather's heart desires to have their romance renewed that night. Nothing much needed to be said. In fact, all grandfather has to do is shove some hen and yams at grandma and grandmother looks at his eyes and sees that 'I see you with my eyes', and she knows that it was going to be a night to be remembered.

Simple gestures that write romantic volumes. 'The eyes', they had it all for grandfather and that is why for them amorous love was always preceded that deadly Igbo romantic look. Hence 'I love you' became "Afulu ngi na anya."

Think of grandfather's bed. It was a raised mound of hard clay in a house with thatched roof. But his marriage worked.

Your bed, your grandfather would say, is over rated. The heart, not the genitals is the proper equipment for love. If you mean it, it will show in your eyes and nothing much needs be said.

So to recap give space, say what makes sense, or keep quiet, and forget them flowers.

It does not show seriousness in Igbo culture. Hard cash is to your grandmother what flowers meant for Elizabeth Taylor.

And, don't over rate your bed.